BV Coastal Estates Sauvignon Blanc
Retailer: Fucking anywhere
Today I decided to go old school and review a cheap Sauv-Blanc. That Sauv-Blanc being the BV Coastal Estates I bought while buying a sale twin-pack of my deodorant.
And that is the bottle, on my messy nightstand.
What is important to this tasting though, is the green fish next to the bottle.
That green fish on my nightstand is a 1973 Avon “Sea Spirit” Elusive Foaming Bath Oil container that I got in an antique store in Fulsom a couple of years ago. The fin screws off and there is supposed to be bath oil in there, although I didn’t think there was any in mine.
Until a couple nights ago.
See, I usually have about ten water bottles on my nighstand at any given time. And I tend to drink them in the middle of the night. And that is totally fine. It works out great for me.
It did not work out so great for me the other night though when I woke up drinking my 1973 Avon Foaming Bath Oil and proceeded to almost FUCKING DIE.
Have you ever woken up drinking fucking bath oil? Because it’s the worst. The absolute worst. You can’t get the taste out of your mouth, no matter how many La Croix you pour down your throat. The stench of decaying, floral essentials is stuck in your nose for the next twelve hours. You have the worst headache and are pretty sure you’re going to throw up all your internal organs. Like I said, the absolute worst.
This would be irrelevant except that this Sauvignon Blanc
TASTES A LOT LIKE MY VINTAGE AVON BATH OIL.
WHICH IS REALLY NOT GOOD.
Although it is not as bad as the bath oil,
because I am still kind of drinking the wine.
BUT IT STILL HAS NOTES OF BATH OIL FROM ‘73.
WHICH IS NOT GOOD AT ALL, I PROMISE.
Okay I don’t think I can drink anymore, I just smelled the bath oil to compare bouquets and almost barfed, someone come dump champagne on my face, HEEELLLLLP!
[Five minute break]
Alright, after getting away from my wine and my bath oil and clearing my head and getting a whiff of my dog’s breath— which is fucking terrible but still better than that fucking bath oil— I think I can give a more unbiased review of the wine.
This wine tastes like being 24. You’re just beginning to drink wine because you enjoy it, and not just because Charles Shaw is the most economical way to get wasted. You’ve had like three good wines, so you think you know a little something, but the truth is you don’t know shit. You’re like, “This is pretty good!” but really, it’s just okay.
And that is okay! I mean, you bought it at a grocery store that doesn’t even have a meat counter. If you’re going for mad quality, you shouldn’t be shopping for wine at the Echo Park Vons, the worst grocery store of all fucking time.
Hey, it’s not the worst $7 you’ve ever spent!
Also, not the best $7 you’ve ever spent.
Tasting Notes: Melon-y, acidic, rotting beauty products
Ross Test: CAN’T, WON’T
Related & To Watch:
Wine Time Episode Six: BV Coastal Estates Merlot