I’m not reviewing wine tonight I am just drinking it.
If we want, we can talk about my new hat?
It’s pretty fucking cool for $3, and I’ m excited to look
like a Russian with a cocker spaniel on her head
while my future lice go through their gestation period.
OK, OK ENOUGH ABOUT MY HAT.
WANT TO TALK ABOUT WINE?
GREAT! ME TOO!
My home remedy for cramps is white wine & hydrocodone.
JUST KIDDING LOL,
BUT WOULDN’T THAT BE GREAT?
The Naked Grape Pinot Grigio
Price: $4.99ish, can’t remember cause it was 30% off if I bought six bottles so duh, bought six bottles
Despite not being able to see the bottle of this at all, I went with this picture because my cat Berlioz photobombed me and he NEVER does that. Plus, he’s all Lazer Cat and shit.
A lot of people have been like, “What’s up with you drinking so much white wine lately?!” I mean, only like two people have said that but when that’s half your audience, you feel obliged to answer. So, I shall answer! The reason is because when I entertain, I buy three bottles of red and three bottles of white and lately, everyone has been killing my red and I’m too lazy to go to the store and buy more when there’s a perfectly good Pinot Grigio waiting for me. SO HERE WE ARE ASSHOLES.
Tonight I am hanging out with The Naked Grape’s Pinot Grigio, and it’s totally good company. I wouldn’t go as far as to call it my BFF or anything. It’s basically your third string friend, still a cool person but not your favorite. It’s a little too sweet and doesn’t have quite the bite you like in good one on one conversation.
Now maybe call your friend, homemade avocado tartine, and you’re going to really enjoy yourself!
Yes, I paired this wine! I came home and made one of my favorite snacks. I called it a “tartine” because I wanted to sound fancy but really I just mashed up some avocado on a piece of sourdough bread topped with salt, pepper and aged white cheddar (which I am not saying to sound fancy, it’s actually fucking aged white cheddar). They went really went together and honestly I would eat my tartines with this wine all night if my boyfriend wasn’t coming home to make me real food.
Tasting Notes: Pears and lemons. Smells like the Luna Lemon Zest bar I got in my GOOP Edition Birchbox, and it tastes like one too. Just drink it quick because as it gets warmer, it deteriorates from third string buddy to acquaintance you can’t remember ever inviting into your home but is somehow now leaving a water mark on your coffee table.
Ross Test: It’s a solid pass, but no gold star stickers.
SUP PLAYAS. JUST HANGING OUT IN MY WIG BEFORE I HAVE TO DESTROY IT WITH HAIRSPRAY FOR HALLOWEEN. JUST DRINKING A LOT OF COPPOLA YELLOW LABEL SAUV BLANC. JUST REALLY ENJOYING IT. IN FACT, I LOVE ME SOME COPPOLA YELLOW LABEL SAUV BLANC. I’M NOW DRINKING THE CHARDONNAY WE USE FOR COOKING CAUSE THAT’S JUST THE KINDA ROLL I’M ON AND I’M PRETTY BUSY TRYING TO KEEP ZISSOU IN HIS SPIDER SUIT. KBYE.
Tasting Notes: I LIKE IT
Ross Test: Didn’t get to do it because I was sharing the bottle with a group of people & that would have been rude/I poured it all before I remembered to Ross Test it BUT IT’S SCRUMPTIOUS IN MY MIND AND I’M A PROFESSIONAL WHO USES A LOT OF CAPS SO JUST BELIEVE ME.
La Ferme Julien Rosé
Retailer: Trader Joe’s
I don’t drink rosé all that often, probably because the only one I really love is the Sofia Rosé, which is only for special occasions or when I’m trying to impress people, not when I’m drinking alone in my dark living room watching a tiny Asian man work on my sink in the kitchen. But, the point is I realized I had not reviewed a rosé (that I can remember?) here yet & I saw this so here we are. I actually really bought it because there were only two left & I assumed that meant it must be really good…
Eh. It’s kinda good. It has to be very, very cold. I had it in the fridge for an hour & a half but that was not enough & I ended up sticking my whole glass in the freezer for fifteen. That seemingly did the trick.
The bouquet is filled with strawberries from your dad’s garden growing up, or I suppose it could just smell like the strawberries my dad grew growing up because I don’t know what your dad’s strawberries smell like or if he even grew strawberries. In that case, I will break it down for you: strawberries, damp suburban dirt & wet grass crunching under your bare feet.
This wine is really simple with a fruity palate. If I try really hard, I would say it’s mostly focused on strawberry— which, DUH after getting at the bouquet— but off the top of my tongue I would just say it’s plain fruity.
I would probably be enjoying this a lot more if it hadn’t gotten all fall on my ass this afternoon. If it was hot & I was just going at some serious day drinking. I’m not really feeling it right now, in the dark with dudes in my kitchen speaking some Asian language trying to fix my sink.
At the same time, I must not like this very much considering this is the first wine I’ve had all week. (I had a couple vodka sodas last night but that’s different.)
Thinking I won’t buy this again, will stick special occasions & Sofia.
Tasting Notes: I would say buy this if you’re drinking with a bunch of girls during some nice weather & it’s like the third bottle you drink cause then it would probably taste great. Also, very sweet finish. The bouquet was my favorite part.
Ross Test: UGHHHH I WAS NOT INTO IT. AT ALL. MORE LIKE GROSSÉ.
Rex & Goliath Pinot Grigio
This week has been rough because I’ve basically only been rehearsing, exercising, dieting & mostly not drinking. I know what you’re thinking, “Marissa! That’s stupid. You’re very fit.” This is fact. But what is also fact is that I am shooting all weekend* in a bikini & I can’t be bothered to think about how I look while I’m acting so fuck it, I will eat salad for a week. I love salad. Although, I do not love not drinking. But, like I said, I’m going to be in a bikini so I have been making an effort.
Today I went to work only to realize I forgot my wallet at home & had to drive all the way home then back to work stuff then worked then dealt with a bunch of my own shit then came home & scrubbed my bathroom for an hour & a half because we’re shooting in there in the morning. After all that shit, there was no way I was not going to chug something. So, I straight Ross Tested the last fourth of this bottle. No glass. At all. Straight Rossin’ ya’all.
I am very pleased because this bottle of Rex & Goliath Pinot Grigio is not only as it advertises— bright & crisp!— but it also has served as an excellent substitute for Xanax.
Not that I’m promoting self-medicating. I really am not. I’m just promoting that if you can’t have Xanax & maybe need to chill the fuck out for a second, you can have two glasses of this on a lettuce-filled stomach & feel a lot better about things.
And for those of you who will undoubtedly be dying to know what is going on with my amazing cleaning look— yes, that is a Yardbirds tanktop. Because even in my lowest moments, like when I’m scrubbing my tub, I like to look like I have excellent taste in music, which, in case you don’t know, I DO.
Tasting Notes: It was good. IDK, please see below.
Ross Test: A FUCKIN’ PASS WITH FLYING COLORS. JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR I’M TOO BROKE-ASS TO ACTUALLY GO SEE ORDERED. A little bitter on the finish if it gets warm but just keep it on maximum cool & you’ll be chillin’ to the max in nooooo time.
* If you’re interested, I’m starting production on the last four episodes of my webseries, Tangents & The Times, based on my blog of the same name. If you haven’t seen the first three episodes, you should watch them. I realize my opinion seems biased but actually people that are not me have enjoyed them a lot. Promise.
I planned on cleaning my house but gave up after the last of the Happiness Project Syrah to play with a bunny, listen to Essential Eartha & do this. Write about wine. If only I could drink wine & listen to throaty, sexy French jazz forever. Sometimes I think I’m kind of built for that kind of career— you know, that of a bored housewife. Today I made friends with two middle aged women at the fancy beauty supply store that weren’t too far off from being my mother with their tennis skirts & Palm Springs agendas. We talked about Trina Turk & S500’s. If I could somehow derive personal satisfaction & purpose out of talking about skin care I can’t afford, playing golf & baking all day, believe me, I would.
Hell, maybe I will!
In another twenty-five years. #fingerscrossed
In the mean time, I’m back to drinking this Trader Joe’s wine. I covered their Moon Zin not too long ago.
Despite its fruity bouquet, the glass’ flavors are very springy & tangy, just like I like it! It’s not as crisp as I prefer my whites, but still bright with a good amount of lemon. It’s easy to drink & I will continue to drink it until I’ve drank the whole bottle cause that’s just how I do (but not “Dew” because I do not “Dew” because Mountain Dew is gross unless we’re talking about Code Red in 8th grade cause that shit was BANGIN’ back in the day).
Tasting Notes: Herby & super yummy. You’re not going to super impress anyone at a dinner party or anything but you are going to enjoy it drinking alone on the couch & watching Seinfeld.
Ross Test: Totally fine. I’m not thrilled on the finish, but I also do not give a shit.
Trader Joe’s Petit Reserve Sémillon Napa Valley 2011
“Why don’tcha give me ‘Ape Tit’ for $200…”
Here is a photo of me & my emotions towards this wine.
ALL I FEEL ARE SHRUGS.
Today was a very hot day so I came home & disdainfully threw my cardigan somewhere & put on the tiniest pajamas & poured myself a glass of this Sémillion. I didn’t mean to have a theme this week but so far it is “Trader Joe’s 13.5% Alcohol By Volume Wine”.
This wine is whatever. I don’t really care about it. I bought it because of its exotic name & the fact it boasts flavors of grapefruit, lemon “zest” & melon. You can taste that, buuut it’s also pretty flat but that’s cool since it was only about five bucks. It’s not quite crisp enough for me to love it, but it’s not sweet enough for me to hate it. I just don’t care about it. If it is given to me, fine, yes, I will drink it. But will I spend my $5 on something else next time at Trader Joe’s? Yes.
Tasting Notes: DOES IT MATTER? IT’S WHATEVER. LOOK AT MY FACE.
Ross Test: MEHHHHHHHHHH I DON’T CARRREEEEEE I’M NEVER BUYING THIS AGAIN MEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This one time I had Barefoot’s Cabernet & it fucking sucked so I never bought one of their bottles again. How can you trust a bottle that has little prize stickers all over it but then fucking sucks? I’m sorry, but I’m not hard to please & if I think your Cabernet sucks, then it probably is the worst piece of shit ever.
But I came across Barefoot’s Pinot Grigio on sale & decided that I probably shouldn’t condemn a whole vineyard off one bottle.
I am currently drinking said Pinot Grigio with my snoop lion, Zissou, and I’m enjoying it enough.
It’s a lot sweeter than most Pinot Grigios in my experience. In fact, it doesn’t really taste like wine at all. It tastes like something that Welch’s accidentally produced after a barel of their white grape juice rolled into a dark corner & went unnoticed long enough to barely ferment.
All in all, maybe Barefoot isn’t so bad although, this should be a last ditch effort & not a first choice. There are much better cheap Pinot Grigios out there that are crisp & refreshing. Unless you really like grape juice, then yeah, do you.
Tasting Notes: Just enough citrus to make the sweet of it bearable. Any less & it’d be a god damn Moscato. It has kind of a thick body on it, not like Beyoncé or anything, but something like a Kelly Rowland.
Ross Test: Not my favorite, a little too heavy with the fruity body, but, also, not my least favorite, so there’s that.
I was going to just stick to the red we had open from dinner last night, but while at Trader Joe’s today I decided that I wanted a glass of cold, crisp white. I felt that way because I not only did my Tracy Anderson DVD this morning, but I also jogged like 400 miles on the treadmill.
And by 400 miles, I of course mean about 2.5 miles, or rather “a Law & Order: SVU episode’s worth”.
Anyway, so I’m in Trader Joe’s & I see this bottle for a reasonable $4.99 called 2010 Comique Révolution Blanc. Still high off the awesomeness of yesterday’s Vinho Verde, I decided what the hell, let’s give this white blend a chance. The label was cool with what looks like a guy maybe, maybe doing the motion of jerking off in Victorian garb & it even says “We had no choice but to cut the fluff” & goes on to explain what the wine smells & tastes like.
They boast a bouquet of apple blossoms, juniper berries & honeydew. The taste is that of white peaches, custard & some french words.
So, I bought it! Who doesn’t like apple blossoms & white peaches?!
It’s unfortunate they left out a couple specifics that I would have found helpful in my purchase though—
ALSO WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL IF THEY HAD MENTIONED THAT THE VINTERS OF THIS BOTTLE ARE FUCKING LIARS. THERE ARE NO PEACHES! NONE!
Even I, MARISSA A. ROSS, don’t want to drink this, which says so, soooo much.
Tasting Notes: Fucking awful. Bitter to the taste, terrible lingering grossness on the finish.
Ross Test: ALMOST THREW UP. NEED TO THROW THIS SHIT OUT. DO NOT BUY IT. CAN’T DRINK IT. CAN’T CHUG IT. FUCK THIS NOISE. EVEN IF YOU THINK I JUST MAYBE HAVE A BAD BOTTLE, YEAH FUCKING RIGHT, I DOUBT IT. DON’T TAKE YOUR CHANCES! AND IF YOU’RE AN IDIOT & YOU DO, DON’T SAY THIS BITCH DIDN’T PUT UP AN UGLY PICTURE OF HERSELF DRINKING IT JUST TO WARN YOU! CAUSE I DID! CAUSE I CARE!
The only positive thing about this wine is that it is 14.5% alcohol, so even after a little bit, I’m feeling a little drunk which is making me want to give it another shot… AW, NAH, FUUUUUUCK THIS.
Oh look at me, hair blowing in the wind! Today has been glorious!
SIKE! I’ve been a huge bitch today. No one would know outside of a couple of entirely cap-locked GChats, but I know. I may have acted like a chill person to the bank teller, but I know on the inside I hated everyone in my life, for everything. OK, not everyone. Just everyone who texted me today & everyone who didn’t text me today. Basically.
But that bothers me! I don’t like feeling like that! I’m generally a very happy person, so obviously I need to start my period & get over my grouchies & also lose the five pounds I always mysteriously gain (or not so mysteriously, considering I volunteered to put eighteen jalepeno poppers in my face) right before the flood. Despite knowing I had no real reason to be a bitch today (um, hello, Louie season two is streaming on Netflix), I just couldn’t shake it.
Until I got home! Because nothing cures a case of The Cunts like a nice glass (or eight chugs) of Orlana Vinho Verde.
Orlana (the artist formally known as Opala) has the most awesome white wine. It’s the best $8 you can spend on white wine, in my personal & not at all professional opinion. It is slightly sparkling, like, almost a “spritzer” if you will, but not like champagne fuzzy. It’s more like a “casual” sort of carbonation. It’s from Portugal & it is available for purchase at Whole Foods.
Anyway, now that I’ve had half the bottle, I feel a lot less like I want to kill everyone & more like I want to get stoned & watch Louie & eat a brick of cheddar a reasonable portion of a healthy dinner.
Tasting Notes: Lovely bouquet of apples, lovely mouth full of DELICIOUSNESS.
Ross Test: ONE OF MY FAVORITES. I basically Ross Tested half of this bottle!
The workweek is basically just a five day excursion to my couch.
I try not to get too close to my couch until Friday because it is a cravasse of chill. As soon as you hit the cushions, you just fall deeper & deeper into the chill. Like, as soon are you are seated you’re basically stoned. You’re stoned & sleepy. You suddenly want a nap. You were out in the world being a productive member of society a mere hour ago & yet, here you are, being sucked into countless episodes of Law & Order: SVU and finally Googling Fifty Shades of Grey, only to find out it’s an erotic novel? How did no one mention that ever?!
So, I’m sinking into my couch & drinking Sutter Home’s stupid cheap sauv-blanc cause it was the only cold sauv-blanc at my grocery store under nine dollars, probably cause it’s beautiful out & everyone was like “Oh, I’ll enjoy this fine afternoon on my patio with this six dollar bottle of white wine!” Fine. Whatever. I don’t have patio furniture anyway so I will be the asshole inside on her couch with the shitty wine.
I’m not going to sit here & recommend you run out & treat yourself to some four dollar bottle of near-nonsense. But I’m also not going to sit here & pretend it’s not cold & alcoholic. Cause it is. It’s cold & it’s wine. And it’s cheap. And I’m broke. So, all in all, it is serving its purpose.
Tasting Notes: I’m not proud of it, but I’m okay with it.
Ross Test: The thought is making me gag a little so I’m just going to keep watching this show about child molesters.